About me. The #allaboutme edition 

This whole blog is about me! (self indulgent I know) but today’s post is thanks to a tag by meanniebee to share 10 things about myself. 10 things you may be interested to read but not have seen from me before. This is hard…. 

1. I’ve had 2 weddings 

This is a truth and an extension all at once. I married my husband March 3rd 2013 in the Cotswolds. Everything was amazing apart from a couple of guests and my in laws. My photographer was a let down and for quite a while I hated people for having ‘the dream’ when I didn’t. So my husband and I had what we called the redo. We went to Vegas, I contacted an award winning photographer and we chose an amazing ghost town for a venue/photoshoot. Honestly, baring a few people not being there, it was the best day of my life. 

The redo in vegas

2. I overthink everything I do 

Call it anxiety, call it ocd. Every decision I make down to how I part my hair is an exhausting process of worry and second guessing. 

3. I like being on my own 

It’s not that I don’t like people, well, actually I don’t like many people. But the point I’m making is that I need time on my own. Just to breathe, read, do nothing. Just be. It isn’t personal against my family or my friends. Sometimes I just pop off to my bedroom and just sit for an hour or two. 

4. I’m called Google by friends

I store random facts. People at work try to test me and I manage to pull an answer out of nowhere. I guess it’s a gift? 

5. I’m a leftie
Left handers rule! This is really just a random fact and doesn’t really fit the theme but hey, it was 10 random facts. 

6. I don’t have a driving licence 

Yeah this one annoys me. I have passed my theory twice now and just need to do my darn practical 

7. I have worked with a Michelin starred chef

Front of house for Antony Demetre. Hardest and best job of my life. End of. I worked my arse off and still went back for more. It didn’t matter how late we had to stay for has been rock stars or how early we had to get in to lay tables. Just being that close to amazing food was everything to me. Central London life darn near killed me and the stress on my knees still haven’t recovered. Would I go back? In a heartbeat. 

8. I’m from a family of chefs 

If you hadn’t guessed from no. 7 I am very passionate about food. Good food. Not exactly good for you food. But the food that makes your pupils dilate and the breath catch in your throat when you see it, smell it, taste it. I spent my toddling years in kitchens and no matter how hard my mother tried I have always ended back near one. My talents lie front of house. My passion, definitely at a stove. 

9. I tend to ramble

Ha! I’m sure you have all guessed by now! 

10. I have very few friends 

I have a hard time trusting people and boy have I been burned in the past. I have one friend from school, a handful of others. Zoe being the one adult friend who has seen the good, bad & ugly. We could get each other in to a lot of trouble if we saw each other more! Maybe a divine force prevents our catch ups for that very reason? I was going to share something far too personal then about my first pregnancy, time to stop rambling I think! 
I hope those that made it this far are not dissapointed. I’m a complex soul, even if I do seem thick skinned…… (yeah that was a Disney quote, bonus fact, BIG fan) 

I need to nominate someone to take part now…. 

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I want to go home mummy 

She is getting so big! These are the moments I live for, small enough to need B bartholemew bunny near her, small enough to need me to put her to bed and big enough to have the most hysterical conversations. Before this picture we were talking about cake and how sprinkles are rain from rainbows. ❤

Sprinkles are rain from rainbows 

The house move hasn’t been easy on her. Her bedroom at our now old house was her favourite place. I decorated it with all her favourite things and she would happily stay in there for hours everyday. Be it playing, singing or drawing. For the first few weeks here she would constantly tell us she wanted to go home and her new room was horrible. Granted it was a bit plain, lots of toys were still in boxes. But nothing we did helped. Lots of tears and tantrums, lots of shouting and lots of cuddles. School behaviour wasn’t great either. We expected a period of adjustment but this all had us doubting our decision. Not that we could go back now! 

Christmas helped but it also brought its own problems. How would father Christmas find us? Have I emailed him? (tech kid much?!) where are our stockings? I really tried my best to reassure her, desperately hunted through cardboard hell for the decorations and stockings. She still wasn’t convinced. Santa obviously found us and it definitely helped. 

Slowly but surely she is getting  used to the new house. The space. The playroom (yeah that definitely helped!) another major turning point was including her in decorating her new ‘big girl room’. I don’t think I had given her enough space to be scared. She has always been so laid back and understanding that I just expected the move to go the same way. We learn together everyday. 

New home

After nearly a year of searching and going through the legal nightmare that goes with buying a house. We did it! A house to make a home! 

Quite a bit bigger and a long list of DIY but it is all ours. 

It was such a celebration and also quite sad to collect the keys. The inheritance from my mother in law financed this move and as grateful as we are, we would prefer to have her. 

The move went well, we went for a removal company instead of attempting ourselves. This decision was an easy one as my darling husband was away for work the day we moved. (yeah that went down really well) The guys were great and even helped put up stair gates so the monster was contained. My mother was also the most amazing help; she cleaned, unpacked, did school runs and made tea. She is awesome! 

D wasn’t keen at first and we had quite a hard few weeks getting her settled (her new room post explains more) T couldn’t give a damn! He has more space and is loving every second. Oh and I spent the first month mostly exhausted and shuffling boxes. With Christmas quickly approaching we had decided early on to put off non essentials.

As will all moves there has been niggles. Our main one has been Internet… We are still not connected! There is a lot of back and fourth at the moment and with any luck we may actually get a connection next week. I’m not holding my breath though. So on that note, I’ll hopefully be able to get a few more posts up and show off some of the jobs we have already managed. I have a lovely post all about D’s bedroom when the signal can cope to upload! This one is going to take long enough so I’m sorry if the picture is fuzzy! Fingers crossed it won’t be too long before you hear from me. 

I’m back!

So last year ran away and I juse didn’t have the capacity to blog. Not to worry though! Back now and lots to catch up on. House move news coming tomorrow. Thank you for hanging in there x

No biggy 

So I bought a car, yep an actual working automobile! Always a late to the party type I still don’t have a full licence but I drove MY car today to the shops and only stalled once. Not bad considering I haven’t driven for nearly 5 years! Lots of car park driving, lots of mirror, signal, maneuver. I am quite smug to say I braved a roundabout. 

There is something quite empowering about getting back behind the wheel. Apparently I have good muscle memory because I figured out the clutch quickly. 

Only scared the husband once, admittedly on purpose (invisible passenger brake anyone?)  suitably amused and smug I parked up. Definitely enough for one day. Definitely quitting while I’m ahead.

Angry

Today I text my husband.(yeah we were arguing) I have a lot of anger, it always comes back to my anger issues. This was my reply. 

Darn right I’m angry,

I’m angry that you are always on a low, 

I’m angry every time I should have been treated like a queen you have ruined it, 

I’m angry I couldn’t cope after Darcey was born,

I’m angry you throw it in my face every chance you get,

I’m angry with you, 

I’m angry I’m not enough to make you happy,

I’m angry you can’t be happy, 

I’m angry your family don’t support you,

 I’m angry my family don’t support me. 

I’m angry that depression is running everything, 

I’m angry that depression exists at a time we should be at our happiest. 

I’m angry you think you aren’t enough 

I’m angry you feel you are letting us down, 

Im angry you have been let down in the past.

I’m angry you can’t see how great we have it.

I’m angry our little family can’t pull you out of this. 

I’m angry my size 8 jeans don’t fit!

Ok so the jeans thing doesn’t really fit in with the rest of it but its real life. I wish my beautiful French connection jeans doing up was the extent of my frustrations. Unfortunately it isn’t. No one is perfect, everyone has skeletons in their closet. Ours aren’t in a closet. 

Our problem is a massive black cloud over my husband’s head. No amount of counselling is helping. It’s really not. I have tried talking, tried being bright and light, tried tough love. Nothing is working. We have added grief to the mix and I’m drowning. 

So I’m sorry if my temper is short. I’m sorry if small talk is the last thing I can be arsed with right now.Very few bother these days anyway, but to those that do try to engage me in light hearted chit chat. Don’t stop. Just bare with me. I don’t have the answers and this isn’t a quick fix. 

Twin Mummy and Daddy

Poonami’d

Today started badly, I should have known when my day started at the arse crack of dawn that I should just write it off.
5am my 4 year old declared that her bunny was missing and that she couldn’t possibly go back to sleep with out it in loud sobs. It was in her bed. Right there, in bed. Where we put it when we put her to bed……
Unfortunately because she had declared her undying love for said bunny she had woken the baby. Yup tornado Tobin had been awoken and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs.

Thanks daughter, your not lost bunny meltdown has started my day.

Milk didn’t work, cuddles didn’t work. In desperation my husband decided that the best plan of attack was to let our son claw my eyes out whilst bouncing on my head in bed.

Cheers love of my life.

I gave up at 7ish and got up, going to baby group with friends at 9 anyway, no point in trying to look alive. Mum after all. Breakfast went OK, husband made me tea. I like tea. He even changed the baby so that is possibly a highlight of today.
Went to baby group, met some nice people, ate cake. All good.

Then it happened.

Saying goodbye to my friend, unclipped the baby, screaming baby might I add. Just trying to keep my shit together long enough to get in the house without flipping out. Then my friends face dropped and my arm felt wet. Nothing prepares you for being covered in shit. The car seat was covered, not just a little, the whole chair, once black now yellow. My arm, the baby from neck down, and my jeans. Just everything. Funnily enough my friend said she would leave me to it and made sure D got into the house safely.
So there I am with shit everywhere and a played out over tired pre schooler. Yay. Me.
Carrying the baby upstairs I was aware said shit was molten enough to start dripping. Double yay. Then the crying started. Joy. Vest off in the bath lead to higher pitched cries, at this point I’d like to point out I did try and comfort my baby but when you are both covered in this stuff the only way to go is just to step under the shower and do the best you can. Butt naked baby and me; still in my jeans.
Now the baby was clean my daughter declares she is dying from malnutrition and needs feeding 10 minutes ago. I’m still rocking the poo so clearly unable to provide nourishment for my first born…..meltdown. Complete and utter pre schooler meltdown. I’d love to say I acted calmly I did not. I just looked at her (wet and shit covered) told her very plainly that food would not be happening until I was clean. At this point I didn’t care that I, to quote a 4 year old “was a nasty mummy that smells bad” and horrible because “people’s need to eat sometimes”.

Couldn’t argue with that.

Half an hour later D has a sandwich and has completely forgiven me. Thank goodness 4 year old’s are so easy fix. T has been dressed (a nappy counts as dressed in this house ok) and I have peeled my wet, shit covered clothes off and showered just long enough to remove the yellow colour from my skin. Hair maybe not, husband might let me know later if he gets close enough.

Who designed carseat covers? I don’t profess to be on parr with Einstein but seriously! Do you honestly need a degree to work out how to get that darn things off? It’s bad enough that it’s covered in shit, baby things are going need to be washed. I don’t want to Google ‘how to remove cover’ before getting my hands coated in the yellow gold again and breaking 2 nails to get the stupid thing off to wash! Yeah I’m ranting but at this point I was contemplating going out to get wine ‘to go with dinner’. It was only lunchtime and I had a desire for a crisp pinot grigio blush. A big one. Alcohol doesn’t make things better, scratch that, it makes a lot of things better.

It’s now after bedtime and we have only had 3 more meltdowns today. That is actually less than normal. There has been no more poo and the carseat cover is drying. Getting it back on the chair is a battle for tomorrow. I have cider, not as good as wine but after today I am not fussed. Husband bought me ice cream, definitely getting fatter. Such is life.

 

This post is now part of a lovely little link up. Head over to moderndadpages.com for a look

 

Modern Dad Pages

 

 

Busy busy busy

The last 3 months have been busy, so busy!

Tobin learnt to crawl at 7 months
We lost my mother in law
Tobin cut 2 teeth
We went on our first family holiday to Cyprus
We listed our house
Tobin learnt to cruise
We found an amazing house and made an offer
Darcey got her school place
I discussed my return to work

Hopefully normal service can return soon

Party of two

Having a baby should be the time you get to revel in all the time you have together. In reality it can be very isolating. Take baby groups for instance, somewhere to meet people and make friends right? WRONG it’s somewhere people have already made friends and it’s bloody hard. It’s like being the new kid all over again.
I try to go to groups, I do it for him. But I don’t enjoy it at all.

I was the loner at school and I’m now the loner at groups. Awkward chats about baby development, then they go back to their friends.

Then you factor in having a pre schooler who isn’t welcome at baby groups. Friends aren’t interested if they don’t have one themselves, or if your baby is passed the ‘quiet cuddles’ phase.

I guess I’m just a bit mad at the world today, it takes a village to raise a baby but what if your ‘village’ are miles away? I have some amazing friends but they are not on my street.

I guess the last month has taken its toll on me. I just want to curl up and hide. The group today was hard, really hard. I always get invited for coffee afterwards but today was talking about a night out (I wasn’t invited) I just sat back, I didn’t even try to embarrass myself by asking when. I get it. Maybe the little black clouds are just a thunder storm right now, or maybe the lovely baby bubble we were floating in has popped and we are back to earth with a bump. Regardless, I don’t know how much longer this fake smile is going to last.

I’ll be there

My mother in law is not well. Three weeks in hospital and no end in sight.

She said something today that I keep replaying in my head.

” I knew you’d cope, you are doing so well. They are beautiful”

“Leah always looks gorgeous”
“Leah is a great mum”
“Darcey is beautiful”
“Look at their lovely skin”
“Perfect family”

It felt like a goodbye

In the 6 years I have known her she has never had a bad word to say against me. Not once. It’s always been how lovely I am. Always Matt is so lucky and how I’m a keeper. Yet up until today I have always found our meetings hard. Today I sat and held her hand, helped her drink, tidied her hair. Her eyes filled and I understood. In that moment we really saw eachother. No words were needed, she was so happy to have me there and for once I was too. I’ve never disliked her, it’s just always been hard. Yet sat by her today it wasn’t hard. It was sad. So sad. We could have been such good friends, we could have done all the things you should be able to do with your mother in law. I know we would have had disagreements but days out and chats over coffee could have been, should have been ours. We have been robbed of it.

A frail old lady, her body 20 + years older than her mind. Her mind ravaged by mental illness. A strong woman, a beautiful woman, now a shell. Yet moments of clarity seep through the fog and she is there – a mother. A proud mother, happy for her son.
You see a memory triggered and shared with glee. Then a sad smile crosses her face and her eyes sparkle. Realisation hits and then just as quickly as it came – it’s gone. Stolen away and locked within the maze of her mind.
The last 20 years have been plagued with illness. From her heart to her kidneys and now other complications, too many to list. There is no dignity. No comfort. You can see it in her eyes she knows the end is coming. She is scared. I’m scared too. You can’t say it will be ok, there is no ok.

So there we sat while everyone else buzzed around, my husband seeking answers, his sister playing with D. The unspoken message between us. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I will always be there for her little boy, when the time comes I will be the strong one. It’s coming. I can feel it. But not today. Today we chat and hold hands.